Body language.
My YouTube algorithm will attest—I love a juicy psychology hack. I find people endlessly fascinating, and one thing that always comes back to blow my mind is just how much of our communication has nothing to do with the words coming out of our mouths. The tone of voice, facial expressions, pauses, and eye contact—the vehicles we use to express what we think, feel, and believe hold so many microscopic elements of power that I’m dumbfounded anyone doesn’t find this stuff interesting.
I understand that body language is not a proven science, and there is an ongoing debate on whether it should be relied upon to identify deceit, subconscious motives, or unspoken thoughts. I recognize that it is considered pseudoscience and advise against drawing definite conclusions based solely on someone's gestures.
HOWEVER…
I don’t think it hurts to be aware of how our bodies are saying what our words are not. Body language, though seemingly unconventional, is, in fact, a science; its study is ongoing. Take it with a grain of salt and let it prove itself to you over time. Seeing that body language is undoubtedly at least one facet of our communication, I’m in the camp of believing that it only benefits our relationships to learn this layer of language.
I have a hunch there’s deeper connection on the other side of being more mindful of what people’s gestures could be saying to us.
All that being said, the fire of this fixation with body language was recently stoked again. I have a fresh heap of fun facts to relay. My mess of furiously scribbled notes is from an episode from The Mel Robbins Podcast entitled FBI Trained Expert Explains How to Read Body Language, where Janine Driver offers how we can decode the body language of others to interpret and approach one another more tenderly.
Driver’s main encouragement to the listeners of this episode is to take the time to notice when those around us are demonstrating any high-stress gestures. Even when their words play it off, Driver suggests we can gently check in with those we’re interacting with when we see the self-soothing body language in response to something we did or said. She says that something along the lines of: "Hey, maybe I'm wrong here, but it seems like…” could be a helpful way to open up the floor for further dialogue and give the other person permission to speak honestly.
Here are my collected tips:
RUBBING of the EYES
According to Driver, rubbing your eyes tickles a nerve in front of your prefrontal cortex that dumps dopamine into the brain. We do this subconsciously when under high stress—maybe we’re having a difficult conversation, concentrating, or frustrated. Our brain may subconsciously signal for us to rub our eyes in search of a little hit of relief.
Driver encourages us to resist the urge to rub our eyes right when we wake up, potentially lulling us back into relaxation. Instead, try the scuba effect: splash your face with cold water to shock your system into alertness.
PACIFYING GESTURES
Just like a baby chomps away on a pacifier, we use some gestures to pacify and soothe ourselves when stressed or overwhelmed.
High-pacifying gestures include:
rubbing the back of the head or neck
caressing your arms or legs
The idea is the closer you are to your brain in your touch, the higher the pacifying.
Let’s say you ask a friend: “Hey, can we buy the plane tickets for that trip we’re planning?” And they respond with a sigh, a rub of the back of the head, and a delayed: “Ummm, yeah, we should probably get on that.” You could take this as a cue that they might be overwhelmed with the planning of the trip, and even though the “yes, let’s get the tickets” is the response you were fishing for, it’s the kind move to notice your friend’s pacifying gesture and chime in with: “Hey, I might be wrong, but it seems like you’re a little overwhelmed. Anything I can do to help things feel less stressful?”
LIP ROLL / LIP DISAPPEAR
Driver says: “When we don't like what we see or hear, our lips disappear.”
Rolling your lips or folding your lips in could be a sign that you’re holding back your words or whatever was just said you strongly dislike.
Take note of the next time you’re at a family gathering and politics comes up with this one.
STEEPLING
If you want to appear grounded and powerful, steeple your fingers—fingertips together, palms apart, hands creating the shape of a steeple of a church at belly button level. Driver says to hold this gesture and lean back in your chair to exude confidence. People will subconsciously register this combination as composure and strength.
Try it out in your next interview or meeting.
EYE BLOCKING
Driver suggests that someone that uses an eye-blocking gesture is exuding: "There's something I don't want you to see." Not necessarily to be deceitful, eye-blocking may be a signal that the conversation has gone into vulnerable waters that the person is too uncomfortable to tread or that there’s something sensitive beneath the topic that they’re not sure they’re ready to share.
In this scenario, if you notice someone eye-blocking, it could be a window into offering some reassurance in the way of: “Hey, if this is too much, don’t worry about it. You don’t need to open up anymore to me than you’re comfortable. I’m here for you either way.”
ELBOW POP
I’m a big fan of an elbow pop—slinging your arm over the back of your chair. This is a sign of casual confidence.
A good rule of thumb is the more space you allow yourself to take up, the more confidence you’ll exude. An elbow pop allows you to take up space even while you’re seated, opens your upper body to the room, and helps you look relaxed and approachable.
BELLY BUTTONS
According to Driver, we turn our belly buttons towards people we like, admire, and want to impress because our belly button was our first connection to another human being through the umbilical cord.
This is congruent with other body language ideas I’ve come across, namely how our feet will point towards a person when we’re interested in talking to them and point away when we’re not.
Body language is captivating and weird, but I find anything that attempts to decode the nuance and complexity of humans to be so enthralling and fun. Not a hill I’m going to die on defending, but I’ll never turn down a tool that could help me love others better.