To men on dating apps.

Dear men on dating apps,

Guys, I won’t even begin to pretend I understand what it’s like for you on these damn things. I have little experience myself, but I know that it can be a never-ending struggle of swiping and messaging and trying and awkward first dates and ghosting and on and on.

As a public service, I offer you a few tips burning inside to be shared. Please be aware that these come from my severely limited scope of interacting singularly with heterosexual males as a heterosexual female on one dating app. I cannot speak to other relationship dynamics than the one I know.

Take these tips or leave these tips, but they’re irrefutable gold so I highly suggest you consider the following:

THE PHOTOS

1.     If you’re not going to show up to our date with that Olive Garden fettuccini alfredo that you posted in lieu of a picture of your face on your profile, don’t include it. I don’t want to see a picture of your food any more than I want to see a picture of what it eventually became. Unless you’re presenting your grandmother with a flourless birthday cake that you baked from scratch with your own mixer for her 90th birthday, I’m not interested.

2.     Can’t speak for others, but men with dogs in their profiles have a much better chance of catching my attention, but just make sure you’re also in the photo. It’s a little too transparent that you’re luring me in with your corgi if five out of your six photos are just of Nacho and I quickly forget what you look like. Feel free to bring Nacho on our date though.

3.     I know the struggle of scrounging for appealing photos to put on your profile in the first place, especially if you’re not photographed often. However, if you absolutely have nothing to post and thus find yourself resorting to aforementioned food and dog pictures, bravely ask whatever friend of yours has the best handle on their portrait mode for help. Put on a nice shirt and get a couple shots. This is your visual cover letter—have some decent photos of yourself.

THE ASK OUT

1.     Some users may go about it differently, but I try to get the “messaging back and forth” stage out of the way as quickly as possible because I know that once we meet in person, we’ll both figure out pretty quickly if we’re down to continue. With that said, at the earliest sign of a hint being dropped, take full liberty in shooting your shot and asking to call or Facetime or meet up. In a world where I am likely replying to four other “how’s your Monday going” messages, be the one that stands out by moving things along and off the app.

2.     Pop quiz. Which sounds more exciting?

“Cool, let’s hangout. Where do you want to go?”

Or

“Cool, let’s hangout. I have to take you to this sandwich shop around the corner—the best BLT you’ll ever have, I swear.”

The less work you make me do, the more relaxing it is to interact with you. If you take the reins and tell me where to be and when to be there and add some excitement, I feel invited into something interesting with you. When you make me do the research of finding a place, making the reservation, and deciding on all the logistics because you’re afraid you’ll pick something I don’t like, then your face reminds me of paperwork and Yelp. No one is eager to kiss paperwork and Yelp.

THE DATE

1.     Show up in real pants if you expect me to show up at all—basketball shorts don’t communicate tons of forethought to me. It’s not a sign of trying too hard if you give a little effort to look good for this person you literally submitted a visual love resume to. Steer clear of any article of clothing that has an elastic securing mechanism of any kind.

2.     You don’t have to be the one that pays. However, if you’re the one who did the asking, I don’t think it’s out of the question that you offer to be the one who does the paying—this going for both parties. Regardless, at the very least, have a conversation with me about it before we get to the check or the cashier. This is seemingly trivial, but you might be surprised to know that it’s a commonly covered point in the decompression conversation with friends post-date. A simple: “mind if we pay separately” or a “I’d really like to cover the bill, is that okay” is a thousand percent better than silently assuming one way or the other—especially if you’re going to cut off the barista with a loud: “No, no! We’re paying separate!”  

3.     Ask interesting questions. Google “good questions to get to know someone” before your date and try to remember a handful of them—dare I say, remember the ones you would want to be asked back. I can count on one finger the number of dates I’ve been on where the guy actually came with some thought-provoking questions. In essence, please do your part in helping me carry the conversation because there are only so many angles on the topic of your new dog I can come from to keep this interaction afloat.

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times (or at least six times to my coworkers): I don’t think average guys understand how much more attractive they can be if they put a little more effort in a few simple categories.

Here are those categories:

HAIR

If you don’t know how to style your hair, watch a tutorial on YouTube. That’s all most of us do: hair, makeup, yoga, oil change, self-defense—YouTube has taught me more than any one person ever has. Note: “styling” goes beyond wetting your hands and running it through your hair. A product, comb, technique or thought ought to be involved. If your beautiful dome is hairless, rock it.  

CLOTHES

If you don’t believe this is important, put in 10% more effort in this area this week and watch how it will change your life—likely starting from the inside out. When in doubt, wear a clean, solid color button down and pants that don’t need a belt to fit. Do this and you’re doing far more than the average male.

SMELL

Learn to spritz something sexy on yourself daily—if not daily, at least before a date—you may not think it’s that big of a deal because you smell it the most, but I promise you: a date will notice and take note. There’s never any need to spray that bottle more than twice, by the way. I don’t want to be knocked out by your aura of Axe.   

INITIATION

If I could bold and highlight and underline this point I would. Stop asking permission to do things when they are thoughtful, non-invasive, and/or a favor that is appreciated by the general population. For example: open a door, grab napkins for both yourself and me, fill up my water glass, swat the bug off my arm. Anything you can safely assume you’d appreciate if someone did for you, don’t bother asking permission to do them—it communicates capability and confidence and an awareness beyond your own needs.

Again, I don’t claim to know what it’s like for you guys out there on the dating app frontlines, but what I do know is that a little concentrated effort goes a hell of a long way. If Queer Eye has taught us anything, it’s that anyone can excel in their attraction with a dash of confidence, pants that fit, and some head and beard TLC.

God speed in your swiping.