Love languages are tools; not rules.
Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” idea and accompanying book, I would venture to say, is a household concept. While we may not all be well-versed in its details, many of us understand the overall message: we all give and receive love mainly through one, or a combination of, the following five avenues…
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Gifts
Touch
Quality time
I recently had a good back-and-forth about the concept with my mom.
While I'm no expert in the matter, I shared my evolved take as I’ve seen how using this categorized approach in relationships can actually handicap connection.
I shared this story:
I live with a roommate and there was a point a few years ago where our hall closet had become a complete disaster. The dumping site for all the odds and ends that had no place to go in our tiny duplex, this closet was stuffed. Cleaning supplies, coats, boxes, and God knew what else.
My roommate was currently in the midst of launching a print publication and an organizational system in this closet would’ve been a huge value to her as she worked to establish her new business (or so I assumed). I reimagined how beautiful the closet could be, how efficiently it could serve her as she worked to build her brand, how much she’d love to walk into a clean closet and grab what she needed with ease.
I probably imagined this so easily because it’s what I would’ve dreamt up for myself.
Without communicating this grand plan but itching to resolve the chaos, I took a day and completely reorganized this closet. I sorted through everything, drove troves of stuff to Good Will, and organized and labeled all my roommate’s business inventory, storing it strategically for seamless access.
I was relieved at the sight of a clean closet and expected a great show of appreciation from my roommate. I’d just made her life so much easier and her world so much calmer with a well-organized space to store her publications.
She took one look, said it looked nice, and went about her day.
I was irritated to say the least. Had she not seen how much work I put into this damn thing? I could’ve spent my day doing a thousand other things, but I chose to bring her direct benefit with this stellar storage system. Excuse me while I wash the cobwebs out of my hair from venturing so deep into the dumpster fire that was this closet for a whole afternoon.
It took some processing through huffing and puffing, but I realized that I ultimately didn’t clean that closet for my roommate.
I did it for me.
My roommate could give a rat’s ass about the organization. It wasn’t bothering her in the first place. It was only bothering me.
So really, I took this whole day to complete this project and because it directly benefited her, I wrapped it in the bow of: “I did this for you because I love you” when really, it was a chore I did for my own sanity.
It was transactional. I wanted appreciation in return and when I didn't get it because my roommate doesn't receive love in that way—perhaps because it isn’t her “love language”—I got annoyed. But essentially, the origin of the motivation to do that task was to make me feel good at the end of it; not her.
It's funny though because the other night, I helped her clean up after a party she threw. I did a mountain of dishes for her while she cleaned up outside. After we were done, she hugged me and expressed her deep gratitude for my help.
I do the dishes all the time. It wasn't a big deal to me and I assumed it wouldn’t receive that level of appreciation. But it was something she was dreading of doing herself and I took it off her plate.
She was over the moon.
I shared this seemingly contradictory set of experiences with my mom.
With a surface-level analysis, one would wonder: “okay, are ‘acts of service’ this girl’s love language or not?”
It led me to this conclusion: in the same way that the MBTI or the enneagram or DISC tests or whatever the hell else isn’t all-encompassing, love languages are just tools; not rules.
They help us understand the humans in our lives a little bit better. They give us a common language to have better conversations with one another about the things we want and need, but these tools are not helpful when they’re revered as law and used to put boxes around complex humans.
I see people pigeon-holing and making loved ones into formulas with these personality tests. I think it can be harmful because every single individual is the exception to the rule. We’re vastly complex, we each carry our own unique narratives, we evolve on a consistent basis.
I understand the temptation to lean so heavily on personality tests, star signs, and the answers these tools give us. Not knowing is scary, learning people is daunting, and we’re all just trying to connect or protect at the end of the day.
But I think it’s worth leaning into the nuances of who those around you truly are.
None of us can be summed up by a personality type, astrological sign, or a love language. And that’s a beautiful thing.