Write-Rant: Ghosting.
I have a lot of thoughts on ghosting and none of them are positive.
If you’re too blessed to be unfamiliar with ghosting, I’m happy for you and I’m jealous.
Ghosting is fundamentally a means of avoiding discomfort or conflict in relationships. It’s primarily a tool in casual dating especially via dating apps, but it doesn’t only apply to romantic scenarios. You can ghost friends, family, anyone. To properly ghost, all you do is disappear. Don’t answer texts. Don’t reach out. If someone asks you a question, just ignore it.
You assert power in your silence.
I’ve tasted the bitter sting of being ghosted and have come to the following conclusions:
Rejection is valid; dispensing it poorly is not
It’s understandable that people grow apart, lose interest, or just want to close a relationship. That’s okay. No matter how wonderful someone is, rejection will find them in life. If you’ve embraced the suck of receiving rejection, understand that it is a normal human experience.
On the flip side, being the rejector is incredibly uncomfortable and agonizing. It’s awful turning someone down or setting a new boundary that causes you to say no. This too is a normal human experience.
Each of these are justifiable.
What’s not justifiable is going MIA because you don’t want to live up to the adult you were believed to be.
It’s difficult for the people in your life to honor a decision you never actually made. Allow people to validate your choices with their respect by making the choice and communicating it.
It’s childish to ghost
The only tools kids have for handling relational conflict are the ones they’re taught. The unfortunate story is that many of us weren’t equipped to handle social issues well from the start—myself included. It wasn’t demonstrated how to work through disagreements, maintain empathy and work to understand. We received what our caretaker had to give, and oftentimes, that wasn’t enough. I have compassion on that front.
Here comes the BIG BUT.
But that’s no excuse for continuing to hurt people with faulty tools and lack of understanding. If you were never taught as a kid how to navigate discomfort in relationships then congratulations: you’re in the same boat as the majority of us. We’re all figuring out something in adulthood that we were never taught.
There are endless resources to learn how to do the work of improving as a communicator. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own development as a grown person.
Closure is kind
Leaving people hanging and simply neglecting to address what you need to address is self-centered and inconsiderate.
While you might think it’s more benign to simply ignore texts and hope the person gradually gets the unspoken message, you are unfortunately letting silence have your conversation for you. Oftentimes, that silent conversation causes much more damage than a direct one would.
Leaving people to wonder where they stand with you produces more confusion than necessary. This confusion could easily be relieved by even your smallest amount of mature participation.
I’m thankful for the indirect FYI
I’m not trying to wrap false positivity around this sucky experience by saying “I’m thankful.”
Here’s the thing: people are showing you who they are 100% of the time. People are showing you if they’re trustworthy or not. They’re showing you if they’re kind or not. They’re showing you if they’re cowardly or not.
People live out their values in front of us every day. While being ghosted is awful, it’s a pretty strong indicator of someone’s quality of character and emotional maturity. Better to find out who someone truly is now than five, ten, fifteen years down the line.
Again, I can dig up some compassion on why people ghost. I can even go as far as to say that many people likely do it because they’re wanting to preserve the other person’s feelings.
Here’s another BIG BUT.
But everyone is worthy of clarity, decency, and respect. One way you can honor the humanity of that person is mustering up the courage to be honest with them.
If you’re tempted to ghost, remember: ignoring someone as a means of communication isn’t okay. Be brave and be honest. Dignify the humanity of others with closure. Choose their respectability as a person above your temporary discomfort. Have the awkward conversation.
If you’ve been ghosted, remember: that person’s silence and neglect is irrelevant to the fact that you are worthy of respect and kindness. Being hung out to dry stings, but there’s a chance for you to decide what kind of person you’ll be in it—respectful, assertive, communicative.