Questions: The Key to Unlocking the Universe Inside Others
Quality questions are the most underrated tool on the face of the planet. And we don’t ask enough of them.
For a long time, my motto has been: “Everyone is fascinating when asked good questions.” Everyone. No matter the factors we use to categorize people—race, gender, socioeconomic status—insightful questions enable us to look beyond labels and see the person behind them.
People are treasure troves of experience, dreams, beliefs, and senses of humor. Good questions are the key to unlocking that universe.
Asking questions is a superpower.
You’re Not Boring So Don’t Talk Like You Are
Researcher Dr. Brene Brown writes in Daring Greatly:
“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”
If connection is so vital to our wellbeing and great questions are a way to establish it, why do we rely on such boring conversation starters? Small talk, chitchat, and empty topics are the social norm.
The tragedy is that, as people, we’re not boring; the way we engage one another is.
As a barista at a bustling coffee shop, I have around 150 conversations a day. When I ring up customers for their lattes, part of my job at the register is creating a quick back-and-forth while they wait for their drink to be completed. At the beginning, this was a lot of: “So what are you up to today?” and “How about that weather, huh?”
I wanted to quit.
I got so tired of hearing myself insert these dull filler questions for hours on end. What was worse was that the customer was just as bored as I was. They likely had this identical conversation with me the day before.
For the sake of my sanity and tips, I got a little creative.
I was inspired by Vanessa Van Edwards when she encourages her readers in Captivate with:
“We stick to social scripts out of habit. The best conversations have specific jolts of energy and excitement.”
She goes on to explain how we can add psychological sparks to our interactions by the way we flip common questions on their heads.
I tried it at the register.
Instead of asking: “How are you today?” I’d ask: “What’s been the win for today?”
Instead of asking: “What do you think of this weather?” I’d ask: “What do you like to do on a toasty day like this?”
A saucy spin on a conversation starter I was already using helped to open the door to more human connection. It made the conversation more interesting and I found guests would light up at the uniqueness of the question and give a thoughtful response.
Not to mention, I enjoyed myself more at work. When I realized I had the power to steer the social dynamic in a more delightful direction with out-of-the-ordinary questions, I did it more and more.
Say “Wow,” and Mean It
Finding the connection we were built for starts with genuine curiosity about the person in front of us.
I love the way Mel Robbins describes investing your questions and attention in others with:
“Other people want to be with you when you make them the center of your attention. When other people are talking about themselves, they think, ‘Oh my gosh [this person is] the greatest ever because [they’re] interested in me.’ That is the simple secret to every single human being.”
The simple secret is falling into friendly curiosity.
In curiosity-driven conversation with others, we step into their worlds, learn from their stories, and find meaning for ourselves in it all. This reminds me of Lavanyai Dieu’s words, “Everyone you meet has something to teach you.”
Regardless of status, money, or clout, everyone has gold to offer if they’re asked for it.
Someone who inspires me in digging for that gold is host Sean Evans of Hot Ones on the YouTube channel, First We Feast. Sean has been commended for his extraordinary interviewing skills by celebrity guests and fans alike.
There’s no wonder why.
Sean engages deep curiosity about the person he’s interviewing. He asks beyond the obvious. He genuinely connects with his guests and it makes for a fascinating watch.
While it’s his job to make the conversation entertaining for online viewers, the style in which Sean presents unique questions can easily be applied to everyday conversation.
Some of his jumping off points that we can steal are:
Do you ever think about how much ____?
Can you tell me about ___?
What do you remember most about ___?
Can you tell me why you love/hate____ and explain it in as much detail as possible?
Can you reveal___?
What was the best thing about ___ and what was the worst thing about ____?
Imagine after a long day of work you come home to your partner and instead of them asking: “Hey, how was your day?” they ask: “Hey, what do you remember most about today?”
Take note of the different places your brain jumps to with that slight rewording and tonal shift. One is clearly the richer prompt.
The ubiquitous “how’s your day” might be at the tip of your tongue, but with 15% more effort, why wouldn’t you ask a more colorful question?
Get Inquisitive, Get Connected
Good questions are more than conversation starters. They’re dopamine spikes, relationship builders and keys to bonding. Ditching small talk and asking interesting questions will infuse your interactions with the connection you’re craving, I’m craving, we’re all craving.
Unlock the universe of someone else’s world with the golden key of a good question.